I think it's pretty much safe to say if you attended any middle and/or high school (and if you didn't chances are you can't even read this), when I say "Oregon Trail", you know what I am talking about. A very simple and even more generic, yet addictive game found in just about every class with a computer.

When this game first was issued to educational institutes, the Nintendo Entertainment System had just been introduced. To a kid like myself, the Nintendo was absolutely the greatest invention EVER. Never had I laid eyes on such fantastic 8-bit graphics. EIGHT BITS!!

It's totally unbeliveable how far the video industry has come since 8 bit. Anyway, Oregon Trail's graphics and gameplay didn't come anywhere close to the NES, but I think I can speak for about 83% of the students in computer class, it was just enough to pass the time.

The objective: Travel from Missouri, westward to the Oregon Trail. Sounds easy, right? Let's just say, if you can count to one, you might have a pretty good chance of winning.

First things first. You have to choose your occupation. Your options:

(1)Banker: This is known as the easy level (if that's even possible). Being a banker means you can absolutely buy anything you need to make it to Oregon. If on the way an Ox dies, buy another. If you lose a set of clothes, spend some money for a new wardrobe and if Indians rape and kill your family, it doesn't matter, you are going to make it to Oregon.

(2)Carpenter: If you pick this, your just an idiot. The only fame you can get out of picking a carpenter is getting more points at the end. Don't know about you, but I thought the point was just getting there. And plus, I'd rather be the rich one in town when I get to Oregon than the guy (or girl) working 60 hours a week for crap.

(3)Farmer: Riiiiight. Next option, puh-lease!

After you decide the month you wish to head out, you get to name your leader (yourself, of course) and the other members of your party. Just for fun, I will be called "Poop". You can use default names the game gives you like: John, Zeke, Beth and Ezra, but I would rather take the Duke Boys, Jack Tripper and Samuel "Screech" Powers. Plus, it's fun to see which one gets the poops first. Yes, there are plenty of diseases in this game. More on that later.

Independence, Missouri. No wonder everyone is leaving for the trail. Cowboys in green pants and shirts? Before we head off, we have to have supplies for the road. Lucky for you, you have all the money at your disposal. And look at those wagons, get any smaller? I am sure that tight space is always fun when Uncle Bob decides to let one rip after that baked bean dinner from earlier.

Buy about 800 pounds of food, turn the eating rations on meager and head out for a strenuous pace. Ten minutes later, you should conquer Oregon Trail. And the name of the store is "Matt's General Store". I can see myself 30 years from now, pipe in hand, selling wagon axels and green neon pants to cowboys. I bet he's a dirty, old man.

And we're off. To places like Fort Boise! Where cattle graze in your front lawn and women wear no shirts. Okay, to me this screen shot always looked perverted to me. Or maybe it's just me. The woman's nipples are showing for God's sake. It's a nipple isn't it? And her daughter is, well, okay, maybe I am in the wrong here. Use your imagination.

Every once in awhile you get the "fun" option of crossing rivers. Before though, you get several options of how you want to accomplish the "fun". You can ford the river, which really means just pretending the river isn't there and braving it with oxen and all. Caulking your wagon and floating across is the sensible option. It statistically works almost everytime. Sometimes it gives you options of taking a ferry (if it's there ooh!) or hiring Indians to help out, however that could be? Or you could take the sissy boy way out and wait until conditions get better.

Seriously, take any option you prefer--you're still going to get across it somehow. Okay, sometimes you may "lose" some food or even a member of your party, but we're worried about #1 right now. Let's let Jack Tripper worry about his own problems. (note: I wrote this piece about 3 years ago, so RIP Jack Tripper)

Just when I was informing you all how easy this game is, it just got 41 times harder!! Sadly, that isn't much at all, but the hunting becomes the most interactive, competitve and silly part of Oregon Trail.

First of all, you totally transform yourself into a Stormtrooper Star Wars type guy with a rifle. The gameplay is freakin' annoying. Honestly, I sucked at the hunting part. I can't remember what my marksmenship was back in Mrs. McCane's computer classes, but I couldn't hit water if I was taking a shower.

When you do make a kill, it turns into a total waste of life for whatever albino animal you kill; whether it be squirrel, rabbit, deer, buffalo, or yes, even bear! Yeah, you can kill an endless amount, but hell be it if can only haul 100 pounds back with you!!! What? Man, if I had Bo and Luke Duke, those guys could carry 200 pounds themselves, no question about it. Mmmmm, buffalo and moonshine.

Like I said earlier, there are assorted sicknesses you can get: disentary, which is actually just pooping and puking alot, cholera and even a fever to name a few. During the trip, Bo contracted Disentary and he died only 7 weeks in the trip. The citizens of Hazzard will never live this one down. Screech Powers outlasting Bo Duke. That's like Roscoe P. Coltrain changing oil in a car faster than Crazy Cooter. Not happening.

Everyonce in awhile you will pass tombstones on your way. This time around, the game drops some comedy relief by inscribing "peperony and chease" on the tombstone (har har!). That probably went over like a fart in church. Sometimes you can pass tombstones of previous game players. The sophomoric humor was in full affect at these moments. You'll have the kids (maybe like me) that would cover the tombstones with profanity or immature phrases like "Mr. A has sex with llamas" or "Mr. C loves Mr. M long time". This is why kids went to school. Great times. (note: names protected for innocence)

Well, I've been sitting here rambling so long that I just made it to Oregon. Well, almost. Before you can have the grand distinction of becoming an Oregonian, there's a little hump in that golden road of Oregonion life. And it's called the Dalles River. It's time to caulk up the ole' wagon and hope our supplies don't fall victim to the mighty Dalles. The object here is to (using your arrow keys on the keyboard) move left or right, avoiding rocks in the river. Don't let me fool you--I will tell you now--this might just be the easist task you will ever have to perform in life. Even breathing. Go ahead...breathe in...breathe out. See, still not as easy as what I just done.

And you're there. What do you get? Fanfare and a cool ending? Nope. That's it. Just a stinking congrats from someone, who knows who? And they're wanting to see how many points we scored on our way here. Whoops.

Oregon, it sure wasn't what I was expecting. Looks like every other place we stopped at. Atleast Fort Boise has shirtless women and Indepenence still have gay cowboys in hot pants. Screech automatically heads to "The Max", because you know in the Saved by the Bell world, there are only two places that exist: The Max and Bayside High School.

There you have it. A simple game. A very simple game. Then the real fun part. Replaying the game and seeing how fast it takes before you can kill your whole party. Took me longer to die then to win. I finished with the 9th best "High Score" too! Oregon Rocks!

Lessons we learned from this little game?

1. The neon hot pants fad of the mid 1800's didn't last.
2. If you wagered $100 on Screech as a 200 to 1 longshot to outlive Bo Duke, you just hit the jackpot, my friend.
3. Students in the 1980's and early 90's were very easily amused and entertained by crappy educational games.

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